spudz1442

In my lifelong battle with depression, anxiety, and other issues I won't bore anyone with, I've constantly found myself trying to come up with strategies and tricks to thwart my mood-spirals before they can really get going. I want to tell you about my latest tactic to deal with how I'm currently feeling.

Because, you see, I've failed this month.

I had such ambitous plans at the outset. I had 4 stories "basically done" and ready to go! Hell, maybe I could squeeze in a 5th story before the month was out! I was gaming the system! I'd written the vast majority of 3 out of the 4 I wanted to post and the 5th was practically writing itself! There was no way I could fall short!

To put it bluntly: I failed. If I'm lucky, I might be able to finish 2 of those stories before the month is up and the rest I'll hope to finish sometime in the nebulous future. More realistically, I'll probably finish one.

Now, in the past, a failure like this would have gotten me down. People who live with depression and, really, anyone who has gone through a very depressing time in their lives knows that the worst feelings of a deep depression aren't just "sadness" constantly. The absolute worst is when you can't even muster up enough emotion to feel sad. When you just greet each of your defeats and failures with indifference because you expect nothing else. You're drifting through life as an emotional ghost, unable to even bring yourself to grieve. Or to be upset. Or just simply to feel anything at all.

To put it bluntly: Fuck that.

The cold hard fact is that we will all fail a whole lot more in our lives than we will succeed. Hell, that's what makes our triumphs so sweet. Failure shouldn't mean we stop trying. Our failures are the bricks we use to build to our eventual successes and I know I definitely forget that a lot.

So, fuck it. I'm not only going to acknowledge that I failed. I'm going to celebrate the fact that I had the audacity to even try. To steal a metaphor from my favorite sport, basketball: you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Now, I'm not asking you to run up to your friends, family, or strangers on the street and excitedly exclaim "Hey, guess what! I totally fucking failed today! Isn't that wonderful?!" And, of course, your celebrations of success are always going to be greater (as they should be). But, when you come up short of your goal, take a short moment to pat yourself on the back for even having the gall to try. When you get handed that brick of failure by life, don't set it weigh you down as you sink into despair. Lay it down, with all the other failure-bricks, and build yourself a foundation. Build yourself success from those failures. Celebrate yourself for the attempt. You can't fail if you don't try but you absolutely WON'T succeed if you don't fail a few times first.

So be kind to yourself. And celebrate those failures because they're helping you work towards your eventual victory.

Failing doesn't make us failures. It's just our first step on the road towards success.

Keep walking.

We'll get there.

(As an ironic postscript: this journal failed to post the first time and I lost everything I wrote. Life really decided to test my newfound resolve immediately! 😂🤣)

It's been awhile (to put it lightly) but I'm back to writing stories and I'm kind of proud of this new one: www.deviantart.com/spudz1442/a… Check it out and let me know what you think, if you feel so inclined!

My long hiatus from story-posting or being particularly active on here (a bit over 2 years! Geez...) was mostly for a fairly dire health reason but I'm out of the woods now, pretty much fully recovered both healthwise and financially, and I'm going to try to write more. I wasn't ever the most prolific producer of stories but I can promise it won't be another 2 years until you see my next one!

To anyone still watching my page and enjoying my silly stories, thank you! I promise more will be on the way.

I never really believed in my writing.

When I first joined DA, it was for the purpose of viewing the amazing art and reading the fantastic stories of others. Real artists. You can see that evidenced in my hastily thrown together username and my exhaustive library of favorites. I never expected to upload any of my own stories. And even when I tentatively did upload my first story (A Damsel Without Her Knight), I NEVER expected people to actually LIKE it! And follow my "work."

But people did. A lot of people. A lot of people whom I really respect and whose work has helped me through some dark times (more on that in a bit). And I was encouraged. So I wrote more. And THOSE stories got favorites, too! And more people followed me. And people from here connected with me. Leaving comments on my page or my stories. Sending notes. It was all very encouraging.

And then this year happened.

I'd been working 12 hour days, 7 days a week for about 6 months straight. It was all going to be worth it, though, because I was getting married to the girl of my dreams! I'd asked and she'd said "yes"! And my work situation would work itself out, right?

When things go bad, they usually come in threes. Mine just happened to all come in the same week which just happened to be right before my birthday: I got stabbed at work. My cat, who I'd raised from a kitten and had for 15 years, passed away in my arms while we were both sleeping. To top all of this off, I discovered my fiance- the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the woman I trusted with my heart and soul- was cheating on me.

Not a great week.

I'm not going to lie: I didn't handle any of this well. I went through a severe depression (I already suffer from depression and mild social anxiety to begin with). I drank. A lot. I lost weight. And- needless to say for anyone reading this- I quit writing. I just couldn't do it. Couldn't find any joy in the things that used to excite me. Food tasted bland. Colors seemed dull. And my stories seemed stupid.

Don't worry. There's a (semi)happy ending here.

I've been through the ringer but I kept coming back to DA. Partly out of habit. Partly for inspiration. But mostly? It's because all of you kept me going.

The comments on my stories? I read them all. Over and over again to motivate my self to start writing again. The messages that someone had added a story of mine to their favorites? Made me smile when it seemed impossible. And the art that you fine people produced? Inspired me to make some more of my own.

Here's where I'll get a bit sappy and single a few people out. If I don't mention you, I'm sorry. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list of everyone on here who helped me through my tough times because, honestly, if you're reading this, then you had as much a hand in that as anyone else. Instead, I mean to show my gratitude and appreciation to some people who may not even know their impact on some fool they've never even met.

First, the incomparable . Truly one of my favorite writers overall, not just on this site. His ability to create scenarios that are right up my alley while also creating and developing characters that you connect with and root for is incredible. I hope to see your work on the shelves of my favorite bookstore someday, my friend! All of his work is top-notch but The Perils of Enhancegirl is, without exaggeration, truly some of the best superhero fiction I've ever read. These characters are living and breathing and they jump right out of the text at you. And they've inspired yours truly to write up a story about a couple of them that is forthcoming...

Next, someone whose stories I always read, even when they don't quite align with my interests:  This girl can write. Fantastically, I might add. Her stories all have a unique voice and sharp sense of humor and it's a pleasure to read any of her work. She's not a one-trick pony when it comes to writing and isn't afraid to try new things. The variety of her stories and the quality of her writing really inspired me to challenge myself when I write. Side-note: the girl can cook, too! I made her Red Wine Spaghetti recipe and it was ridiculous! Next up: Moroccan Salmon!

 is the next writer I'd like to make special mention of because he is an author whose passion for writing is apparent after reading any one of his stories. Do yourself a favor and look up his work if you haven't. You will not be disappointed. He also was one of the friendliest people when I first started posting my stories and really encouraged me to keep at it. Thank you for that, friend.

 is destined to be a comic writer if there is justice in this world. His world-building and character work is incredible and his stories have a way of latching on to you and refusing to let go.

 is another author who was very encouraging when I was first posting my deranged scribblings. His work feels like you're reading a great hard-boiled pulp novel.

 has such a fun, cartoon-ish quality to his writing- especially the Alex and Friends stories- and such a massive amount of great work, you're guaranteed to find something you'll like in his library. He also wrote my first (and, at this point, only) request: Lupin the Third's Christmas Wish

 writes gold. Simple as that. Every time I read his latest story, I just can't get enough. He could probably write a million stories and I'd still want more. Just pure quality entertainment and fun.

 may not write often (pot, meet kettle) but his stories are definitely worth looking up! And he really highlights the work of other great artists on here, both through the pictures of theirs he posts regularly and the insightful interviews he conducts. I can say that his efforts have brought more than a few great artists to my attention.

 inspired my most productive month of writing over a year ago with her Teacher Perils contest (has it really been that long since I posted something here? Good Lord...) and is a fantastic writer in her own right. I like the playful qualities of a lot of her stories and she seems to have a great sense of humor about herself and her characters.

 and  are a dynamic duo of damsel in distress stories and their work separately and together is a treat. They both have a fun and playful writing style and their own unique voices as well. Their work is always good to read if you need to be cheered up.

 puts such care and love into his work that it's impossible not to feel it as you read. His stories are engaging, exciting, sometimes tragic, always engrossing and frequently spectacular. He also started the group B0UNDIARY which I absolutely love.

 writes some really great, suspenseful damsel stuff that would be right at home in a spy novel and he has a great knowledge of music. His work blends those two seemingly disparate elements together seamlessly and leaves you wanting more!

 is a writer I really enjoy reading as he seemingly gets better with each new story he writes. And that's saying something because even his first few writings were well-done and engaging!



Good gravy! I haven't even gotten to the illustrators yet! Folks like , whose comic pages leave me utterly speechless sometimes. Or , who never fails to tickle my funny bone (and whose username and picture just happens to be my favorite comedic actor of all time). Or how about  who draws action scenes with an energy that simply leaps off the page at you!  has a great gallery and one of his pictures inspired a story I wrote a loooooooong time ago that I never got around to posting (but I intend to put it up in the relatively near future).

I know I'm leaving out people. A lot of people. But the truth is, every one of you kind people who took the time to comment on my page or one of my stories has helped me through this past year. Every single person who has shared their work with me and the rest of this community has had a hand in helping me take my life back after everything seemed to be spiraling out of my control. And I can proudly say this: I'm writing again. Not a lot. Work is slowing down but still takes much of my time, as does trying to find a new place to live on my own. Plus, I'm reconnecting with the people who matter in my life and figuring myself out. Taking time to find out who I am and who I want to be going forward. But the muse is prodding at me and I'm listening. And there will be new stories on my page soon. I promise.



Thank you again, everyone. I really could not imagine going through this without your stories, your art, your kind words, and your encouragement. You all mean a great deal to me.